I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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