Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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