I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
