May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
