We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
