By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
someone threw a dead crab at me
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize
