Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
