I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
