They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
