Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
