you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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