DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize