I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
