so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I am available for nakedness
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
