she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
