After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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