please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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