If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
