I swear she didn't look like that last week.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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