I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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