I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize