you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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