Got a toothbrush?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
