There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
