Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
