connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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