he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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