Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You don't make any sense
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