What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
