What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
