It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Randomize
