she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
