last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
