hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
