You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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