Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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