She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
