And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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