Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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