I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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