you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Someone came in the potted fern
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
