I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
