If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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