i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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