My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
