Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
