Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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