haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
