soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He better not be in your backpack
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
