My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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