everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
