i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
