You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
