just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
