Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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