I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
