Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
