Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
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