her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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