Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
