Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
