How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
