how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
