i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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