you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
