dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
