I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
