you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
