I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
