Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
this is an emotional support booty call
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
