I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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